Hard Times.

 

Ever feel like you don't fit in all of a sudden? I know everyone shouldn't be the same but its nice to feel like you belong somewhere. I am sure we've all had times when life doesn't go our way or we are just feeling very alone? For me this feels like quite a regular thing now :(
This might be a quite depressing post to read so if your having a good day I wouldn't read it :/
I got pregnant just before my 19th birthday this was not planned and I was very scared but so so excited. My boyfriend stuck by me 100% and that made me even more happy that we were going to be a family. My pregnancy started out fine but then I ran into some complications near the end. My urine tests kept coming back positive for protein and then the next time more and more kept showing up. They then found that my blood pressure was increasing and later they told me they thought I had pre-eclampsia.
I didn't really know what this meant and I wasn't informed properly about what this could do to me or my baby.

*There is a lot to this but this post is just to let you all know how im feeling now and to get an idea of why. I will be writing a separate post about my pregnancy and my baby eventually.*
I started to have on and off really bad headaches/migraines ,I felt tired literally all the time I know this comes with normal pregnancies too but I could have slept for a whole night and still be really tired throughout the day.
Pre-Eclampsia then turned into Eclampsia. I was in hospital in an induced coma, I had a placenta abruption and my brain/ whole body was really swollen because I had been fitting so much. I was on the intensive care ward for 3or4 days it was touch and go all I kept getting told when I woke up was "emma you almost died, they didn't think you was going to make it" hearing this didn't phase me at the time as I didn't feel like I almost died. All I wanted to know was where was my baby? I had a tube down my throat and I could hardly talk, I didn't know where I was and I was really scared I asked my mum "where's lily?"
My Mum and my boyfriend sat either side of the bed and my mum said lily didn't make it darling im so sorry.

At that point I just burst into tears I had no idea what had happened to me I was 34 and a half weeks pregnant and I was being told that my baby had died?
It was and still is very hard for me to come to terms with. To this day I am still horrified of how I felt in and when I came out of hospital I wasn't myself atall and It was hard for me to remember things.

When I come out of hospital the first few months was very hard for me I didn't want to go out I would get really anxious if I did and time would literally fly by I could be rambling on talking to someone for 2 hours and it would feel like 5minutes.
Although I had my amazing family and boyfriend around me I felt so alone.
I didn't want to talk to friends I would ignore their calls and texts.

Time went by and my cousin who I was very close to when I was younger was about to have her second baby when the pictures went up on facebook I felt extremely jealous. I felt really bad that I was feeling this way but there was nothing to stop it. She'd just given birth to her baby girl and all I was thinking is where is mine? why haven't I got my little girl here? why me? what have I done that's so bad that made me deserve this happening?
I am happy for my cousin and jealousy is not something I want to feel towards someone who I was once so close to after she had just done one of the most amazing things a women can do in life.
One of my friends was also pregnant and found out that she was having a girl and i also started to feel a lot of jealousy build up. Like with my cousin i was very happy for her (she is married and has a little boy already) to complete her family. But in my head im thinking to myself why couldn't things had gone right for me?
Now going to see my friends with children is hard sometimes because when i see them all i feel is i should be doing what they're doing right now.
I don't really have any proper friends without children so most days i am very reluctant to seeing them i just want to sit alone in my house doing whatever i want to do.. sitting watching Jeremy kyle, catching up with the soaps (haha) or just nothing.
I do have two part time jobs but I am looking for full time work ive gone to interviews wondering what im doing there and why im not at home looking after my now would have been 8months old little girl.
Life is really hard, when it trys to bring you down try not to let it (im still trying with this part) make the most of life because it could be taken away from you without any notice. Make sure the people you love know it and any regrets you have, what you've done or what you've said to someone tell them your sorry.

If you are pregnant and are told you have pre-eclampsia ask so many questions its not something you should take lightly. if you think they've done something wong ask them to do it again if you have any concerns ring the hospital/doctors if your not happy with theyre answer go to a&e literally do anything that you think will help because it is very seious. Even if your not pregnant I know you've read this and its helped you or for you to tell others if they are pregnant. This is the worst thing that has happened to me in my life and I honestly don't wish this on my worst enemy.
Always know no matter what the situation there is always someone who will be there if you need them it could be a stranger or even someone you know your not alone talk about it and you will feel better. Trust me.

Thanks For Reading
Emma
xoxo